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Getting past the "what-ifs" ..
It's common for parents of survivors to feel overwhelmed with guilt when you find out the impact of your children's childhood
experiences. Widespread awareness of the long-term effects of child abuse is only now coming to public attention. With little
information and few resources, most parents ten, twenty or thirty years ago, had no idea how to handle such a situation.
Some of you were so relieved if your child was molested but not raped, that you failed to see the traumatic experience
for what it was: abuse. And your children grew up believing their pain, and therefore their selves, were not important enough
to you.
Some of you distanced the abuser from your child, and assumed this was enough. You thought your child would eventually
forget and move on.
Some of you found it hard to believe your child, when s/he told you what was being done. Some of you took the side of
the abuser, simply because he had strategically gained your trust: such a nice, helpful person could never do such a thing.
Could they?
Some of you were ashamed. Scared of what the world would say. Worried about things like family honour. Future marriage
proposals. Virginity.
Most of you had no clue that were millions of parents in the same situation as you, with the same pain, fear and worries.
And none of you realised that your reactions back then, added to the trauma of your child.
To ignore, pretend, forget, or simply not recognise the child's experience, is to create a new abusive experience for
him or her: the sense of betrayal and lack of protection from those who love and care for the child, often has more devastating
effects than the abuse itself.
If you are here today, reading this, you are probably realising now, seeing the impact that childhood trauma still has
on your adult child. And now is when the "what-ifs" can weigh you down with their hopelessness and regrets. So
don't go down that pointless path. Because today we DO have the information and the resources, and you can be a valuable source
of healing help to your adult son or daughter.
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